Four Resolutions That Are Destined for Failure

It’s that time again. Humans across the globe have made resolutions for the new year. Be honest, humans. You’ve already blown a few, right? 😉 Well, this was the look on my face when my human mommy uttered these horrifying words to me on January 1: I have a few resolutions for you and Tallulah Bee, Miss Harper Lee. What?!?!?!? We’ll just see about that.

Resolution #1: No more dogs on the couch. This is just silly. First of all, Tallulah and I only get on the couch after our special blanket has been spread. And we only get on the couch after we’ve been invited. And we leave just enough room for one human to join us. The fact that there are two humans in our house is a minor technicality. Resolution #1 lasted approximately 8 hours, 36 minutes, and 7 seconds. That’s when the humans realized that we were in for several days of unusually frigid temperatures. At about they same time, they realized that two Golden Retrievers can give off a lot of heat. In a snap, Tallulah and I were cordially invited to join our humans in a little evening snuggle on the couch. We even managed to make room for both humans. We’re pretty sure this no-dogs-on-the-couch foolishness is a thing of the past . . . at least until the temperatures start to rise.

Resolution #2: No dinner before 5 p.m. Well, this one just made me laugh. You see, Tallulah and I have strong powers of persuasion. Tallulah has a way of climbing into a human lap that makes her completely impossible to ignore . . . after all, she does weight 62 pounds. And I have a certain stare that is beyond intimidating and frighteningly penetrating. That stare helped to ensure that our dinner on January 1 was served at 2:38 p.m. Resolution #2? Down!

Resolution #3: No more dogs in the kitchen during meal (or cocktail) preparation. Apparently, it’s not easy to maneuver in a relatively small kitchen with two Golden Retrievers in close proximity. If you ask me, the humans simply don’t appreciate the benefits of having dogs in the kitchen. They think that having to step over us as we lounge in the middle of the floor is some sort of inconvenience. They should look at it as exercise. Isn’t that what all the humans want to do more of at the start of each year? And don’t forget the cleaning benefits of having a dog in the kitchen. It’s been scientifically proven that having at least one dog in the kitchen decreases the need to mop the floor by 86.4 percent. Well, maybe that hasn’t actually been proven by science, but I can guarantee you that the smallest morsel of dropped human food is all-but-immediately consumed when Tallulah and I are on kitchen watch. Mommy needs to consider that before enacting her silly kitchen ban. Resolution #3 doesn’t stand a chance.

Resolution #4: No more obnoxious barking at the gate. What? Us? Obnoxious at the gate? Despite our totally innocent faces in this photo, Tallulah and I can get a little loud when we’re posted in our favorite lookout position. But we have a lot to say. We like to offer a hearty greeting to every single human and dog passing by. It’s not “obnoxious.” It’s “outgoing.” And if, on the very rare chance, a somewhat questionable human or dog should pass, Tallulah and I are just doing our job: protecting our domain. Hey, humans, you pay a security company actual dollars to do the very same thing that Tallulah and I are willing to do for just a few treats a day. Think about it. Yep, pretty sure this resolution is doomed.

So what about you? Did you make one or two resolutions for the new year? How’s that working for you? 


23 Comments on “Four Resolutions That Are Destined for Failure”

  1. Three Pups and a Couple of Kitties says:

    Good job getting rid of those pesky resolutions. We always say if it works why mess with it! ~nose nudges Bessie Pup

    • You’re wiser than most humans, Bessie. I’m happy to say that all of our assigned resolutions have bitten the dust, and we haven’t even reached the end of the first week of the year. I’d call that success!

  2. Emmadog says:

    Thankfully, we don’t ever do resolutions because Mom finds them pointless. There has been a steadfast rule, no dogs on furniture since like twenty years ago which was always followed by us dogs until Bailie arrived. She likes to jump around on the furniture, but she taught Madison, and Madison enjoys lying down and napping. Mom gave up on the rule but I would never go on the furniture without being told to do so.

    • We still wait to be invited onto the couch–and only the couch and only after our blanket is spread–but our powers of persuasion are pretty powerful. Oh, and once we’re on the couch we immediately go to sleep and we don’t move an inch . . . not even to give the humans more room. 🙂

  3. Maggie & Kenai says:

    WOW, 2:38 for lunch! Your powers of persuasion are amazing! We will have to kick it up a notch on our stare/glares/moans to beat that one. Usually our mommy can hold out until at least 3:30.

    • Let the record show that it was our daddy who withered under my stare at 2:38. Mommy’s harder to crack. She can usually hold out until at least 3:30, but not too much later!

  4. Amy says:

    Our Mom is off of sugar again. That doesn’t exactly affect us, except this morning she did seem a bit cranky. ~Lucy and Xena

  5. Piglove says:

    Resolutions for us anipals? You’ve got to be kidding beautiful. We don’t need to keep in line. The humans do. That’s our jobs – to keep them in line. We should be getting paid to take care of them. Now that is something of a resolution. US getting paid. Snorts and rolls with piggy laughter. XOXO – Bacon

    • You are so right, Bacon. We’re actually like life coaches for our humans. And Tallulah and I are perfectly willing to coach away. We just want to be paid–in advance, of course–with a few extra treats each day. 😉

      • Piglove says:

        I understand completely beautiful and I agree. What’s a few extra treats for all of the work we do for our humans. XOXO – Bacon

  6. zooperson says:

    You two are excellent at persuasion. There is rational, thoughtful logic in what you say plus it made my mom laugh. That barking business is a bone of contention at our house too. She just doesn’t see it our way at all! Happy new year. Lady Caroline Lamb

    • And a Happy New Year to you, too, Lady Caroline Lamb. Tallulah and I think you should bark your little heart out in 2018. You have too many fabulous ideas to keep them all to yourself!

  7. CarolMaeWY says:

    The two of you would always get what you want from me. And I spoil Bear and Sammy too. They do get fed at 4pm and their tummies know it. New Year resolutions are just too hard.

  8. Well, Dakota IS allowed on the couch but I think he was trained by the breeder at a young age to not go on the couch because he never does (even when we encourage him to!), he isn’t allowed in the kitchen because that is where our cat eats…………as for obnoxious barking? We would never make that a resolution because no way would that stop!

  9. Without you girls in the kitchen, your humans will soon be knee deep in floor-food. They’ll spend every free minute cleaning the kitchen. That one was a no-brainer. Have a great 2018!

    Love and licks,

  10. Jan K says:

    We realize we are powerless to enforce them, so, no. 🙂
    I had to laugh at #3. We have that rule too, yet I increasingly find myself having to walk all the way around the kitchen island because someone is blocking my way (thanks for pointing out how that does increase my exercise level!).

  11. Ogee says:

    I agree…1,3,and 4 are just silly. But 2:38 for dinner? Sorry. No succumbing to that stare in our house! Happy New Year!

  12. We’re still negotiating the dogs resolutions. They are much like yours. Mine is survive theirs! LOL Happy New Year, girls. Hope 2018 is pawsome!

  13. cafall says:

    Our only resolution was for all of us to get healthier – pups included. The pups don’t mind. It means a lot more walking! LOL.

    Our pups eat at 5:30, but at 5:00 – the madness begins. …and oh my gosh if we are a minute late…

    Monty, Harlow, and Ramble

  14. Louise UK says:

    You are so gorgeous. I live over the pond in the United Kingdom and wanted to ask if I could paint a picture of you on the couch? I have an art exhibition at my school to help raise some funds for them.
    I love painting doggys – we used to have one like you living with us called Jasper who also loved lying on the couch.

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