Four Resolutions That Are Destined for Failure

It’s that time again. Humans across the globe have made resolutions for the new year. Be honest, humans. You’ve already blown a few, right? 😉 Well, this was the look on my face when my human mommy uttered these horrifying words to me on January 1: I have a few resolutions for you and Tallulah Bee, Miss Harper Lee. What?!?!?!? We’ll just see about that.

Resolution #1: No more dogs on the couch. This is just silly. First of all, Tallulah and I only get on the couch after our special blanket has been spread. And we only get on the couch after we’ve been invited. And we leave just enough room for one human to join us. The fact that there are two humans in our house is a minor technicality. Resolution #1 lasted approximately 8 hours, 36 minutes, and 7 seconds. That’s when the humans realized that we were in for several days of unusually frigid temperatures. At about they same time, they realized that two Golden Retrievers can give off a lot of heat. In a snap, Tallulah and I were cordially invited to join our humans in a little evening snuggle on the couch. We even managed to make room for both humans. We’re pretty sure this no-dogs-on-the-couch foolishness is a thing of the past . . . at least until the temperatures start to rise.

Resolution #2: No dinner before 5 p.m. Well, this one just made me laugh. You see, Tallulah and I have strong powers of persuasion. Tallulah has a way of climbing into a human lap that makes her completely impossible to ignore . . . after all, she does weight 62 pounds. And I have a certain stare that is beyond intimidating and frighteningly penetrating. That stare helped to ensure that our dinner on January 1 was served at 2:38 p.m. Resolution #2? Down!

Resolution #3: No more dogs in the kitchen during meal (or cocktail) preparation. Apparently, it’s not easy to maneuver in a relatively small kitchen with two Golden Retrievers in close proximity. If you ask me, the humans simply don’t appreciate the benefits of having dogs in the kitchen. They think that having to step over us as we lounge in the middle of the floor is some sort of inconvenience. They should look at it as exercise. Isn’t that what all the humans want to do more of at the start of each year? And don’t forget the cleaning benefits of having a dog in the kitchen. It’s been scientifically proven that having at least one dog in the kitchen decreases the need to mop the floor by 86.4 percent. Well, maybe that hasn’t actually been proven by science, but I can guarantee you that the smallest morsel of dropped human food is all-but-immediately consumed when Tallulah and I are on kitchen watch. Mommy needs to consider that before enacting her silly kitchen ban. Resolution #3 doesn’t stand a chance.

Resolution #4: No more obnoxious barking at the gate. What? Us? Obnoxious at the gate? Despite our totally innocent faces in this photo, Tallulah and I can get a little loud when we’re posted in our favorite lookout position. But we have a lot to say. We like to offer a hearty greeting to every single human and dog passing by. It’s not “obnoxious.” It’s “outgoing.” And if, on the very rare chance, a somewhat questionable human or dog should pass, Tallulah and I are just doing our job: protecting our domain. Hey, humans, you pay a security company actual dollars to do the very same thing that Tallulah and I are willing to do for just a few treats a day. Think about it. Yep, pretty sure this resolution is doomed.

So what about you? Did you make one or two resolutions for the new year? How’s that working for you?